Sarcastic Movie Review: Morbius (A misunderstood Masterpiece)

Every once in a blue moon there comes a movie, a cinematic master piece that puts your faith back in cinema as an art form. A movie that is such an underdog,  that had a troubled shoot and had every reason to fail. But through the sheer will of the universe itself comes together to create a piece of perfection. A movie that transcends the formula and it’s genre to become the next yard stick by which every other movie in the genre gets measured to.

THE PLOT

Here we have the story of Michel Morbius. The brilliant scientist with a blood disorder. That experiments with vampire bats to save himself and his best friend from their tragic fate, only for his experiment to go array only for him to transform into the tragically monstrous Vampire known only as Morbius.

Never before have vampires been shown with such complexity since Bram Stoker’s Dracula. In fact the references to the Original Dracula is in abundance. Morbius arriving back to the city in an abandon ship is a direct reference to how Dracula arrives in London the book. And the cure having to admitted straight to the heart being a reference to how a Vampire can only be killed by a stake to the heart were all so subtle you’ll miss it. And then there is the writing and the dialogues, oh don’t get me started.

Such emotion!

There are certain lines in cinema that gets etched into your memories, Maximus’s speech in gladiator. The one-liners from the Don in the Godfather. And now Dr. Morbius saying it’s Morbin’ time. When he said those now holy words, I’m not ashamed to say that a tear appeared in the corner of my eye. And one could not but stare in awe at the masterful delivery of the dialogue, making us truly believe that it truly was Morbin’ time.

Alright I’ll Stop

Now that we’ve got the meme review out of the way…

I think it’s safe to say that if I sat down and watched my dog like its own bollocks for 3 hours it would have made for a slightly more interesting evening than watching Morbius.   

Damn you Asuka!

In the spectrum of Moveis there are good movies and bad Movies. Some movies are so bad that they turn good. They turn into hate watches or something to laugh at. What I’m trying to say is they make us feel some sort of emotion. And to feel some sort of emotion is why we watch movies or experience any form of art in the first place. Morbius doesn’t invoke hate by being the blandest piece of shit that I’ve seen. That’s what it is, so mind numbingly bland, so creatively bankrupt and soulless that it’s like staring at a blank wall.

I’m sure there’s an ironic joke to be made about a soulless movie about vampires, but honestly Morbius doesn’t deserve it. Do you know why? Because never before has a movie made me watch it three times to get through it. slept off on two separate occasions while watching it, it could be used by doctors for a low dosage anesthesia.

The movie is competently made. The effects are good, the costumes are fine and money has been spent on it. But there is no excuse for such shitty pacing, editing and acting. The chemistry between the two leads is worse than that of two damp pieces of cardboard lying on top of each other.

The only one that seems to be at least having at least some fun is the villain who, seems to have figured out that this is crap and just went bat-shit crazy with his performance.

I wasn’t joking about the references to the original Dracula, the boat thing was mildly amusing, but it’s just stuck in between the Nyquil equivalent of a movie, that it’s honestly not even worth mentioning.