5 times Zeus just couldn’t keep it in his pants

The mighty Zeus, king of the gods, ruler of Olympus and all around good guy among the Greek pantheon, or at least that’s what his PR team would want you to believe. But Big daddy Zeus had one glaring weakness: The ladies (or sometimes just really feminine Men). Here are five of the weirdest methods straight from Zeus’s playbook for chasing tail that would give Barney Stinson a run for his money. 

The rain maker

Danae was the daughter of King Acrisius, and was unlucky enough to have a prophecy foretold about her. Now this particular prophesy stated that Danae’s son would be the one to kill old Acrisius. On hearing this, the king did what any sensible man would do and locked her in the tallest tower in the castle (did I say sensible I meant bat shit crazy). But while this did save Danae from the wandering eyes of mortal men it did it put her at a much closer distance to Zeus.

As the story goes Zeus seeing poor Danae up in her roofless tower in need of some loving decided to ‘help’ her by raining down on her as a ‘golden shower’ which ended up impregnating her. The moral of story here is always invest in a roof when building towers, especially when you’re planning on keeping your virgin daughter as prisoners in it. Also don’t ever Google the term ‘golden shower’ unless you want to come across some nasty stuff. You have been warned.

The swooping Eagle

Ah Ganymede Zeus’s one boy-toy among all his girl-toys. The story goes that once when Zeus was out on the prowl again he came across a beautiful girl tending to her sheep. Zeus being the upstanding god that he is decides to transform into an eagle swoop down to earth and abduct her. But when Zeus finally got near to the shepherd he realized that the beautiful girl was actually a boy. Unlike business men who go to Thailand and are scarred for life by similar experiences, this didn’t bother Zeus one bit. So he abducted him anyway and carried him off to Olympus for some sweet pole on pole action among the clouds.

I believe I can fly

But Ganymede did get the title of cup-bearer of the Gods for all his troubles, which is nice I guess.

The cowboy

Europa and her friends were just enjoying a quiet day at the beach, when they came across a beautiful white cow that smelled so good (like flowers good not bacon good) that Europa decided to go and pet it. Now I think petting random farm animals is a bad idea because I am terrified of karma and have an irrational fear of being bitten by them as revenge for all the hamburgers I’ve eaten.

But this particular time it was especially bad for a different reason as the cow was, you guessed it Zeus in disguise. And once Europa was close enough Zeus yanked her on to his back and jumped into the sea, and proceeded to ride off into the sunset. After which Zeus revealed his true form and rode her like a ‘Cow’-boy (Man I make lame Puns)

The reverse cowgirl

Lo was a famous priestess in the city of Argos, and spent her days doing whatever it is that a priestess does in the temple of Hera. But being a priestess of his wife did not stop Zeus from taking a liking to her, and like most women Zeus took a liking to she ended up in bed with him. But Zeus did try real hard to stop Hera from finding out about the affair by creating storm clouds to block his wife’s view of the earth while he was with Lo (such a caring husband).

But Hera still grew suspicious and came down to earth to investigate only to find Zeus standing next to a white Heifer. Zeus in a panic on Hera’s arrival transformed poor Lo into a cow in a final shameless attempt to hide his affair. This backfired as Hera pretended to play along, and claimed she loved the cow so much that he would have her for herself, effectively taking Lo a her prisoner