Sarcastic Movie Review: New Mutants

If there was an award for the most ironic name for a movie I’d definitely give it to “New Mutants”. There’s nothing new about it and it was supposed to come out back in 2018. and might be one of those rare movies where the history of its release schedule is more interesting than the movie itself.

So here it is, the last gasp of the venerable decade long X-men franchise before fox finally had to let it go back to Disney, where they will grind it down to a fine, fun marketable powder and sprinkle it across the MCU, like a strange ritual that is guaranteed to print money.

But let’s not get bogged down by the silly antics that take place behind the screen, what matters is the Movie! And all that drama behind the screen can be forgiven if the final product is good.

Sadly it’s not.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not the worst superhero movie I’ve ever seen (Fan4stic), It’s not even the worst X-men movie (Dark Phoenix) But for a movie that is the swan song for this generation of X-men, In which the director had complete creative control over the end product is just MEH.

The story begins with Narration: It tells the old folktale about how there are 2 bears inside everyone one light and one dark, constantly struggling for control. And the one that wins is the one you decide to feed.

And when I heard that the only thing going through my head was: its Wolves. Not bears, but wolves. It’s always been wolves. This little story has been posted on ever fourteen year olds social media page and retold by hippie girls who were one with nature and didn’t believe in the use of deodorant and it has always been wolves.

And this genuinely pissed me off, especially since this tale is an integral part of the movie and pops up every few scenes, Also because there is a literal wolf girl in the movie. Make her tell the damn story then.

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Spoilers Ahead

So after the heavy-handed narration we are introduced to our POV character Dani Moonstorm a Native American girl who’s the sole survivor of what they believe to be a freak fire tornado or something, and finds herself awoken in an abandoned hospital for gifted young mutants, that are just not mainstream enough to make it to the X mansion

Here we are introduced to the main cast:

Other than Dani we have the above mentioned wolf girl who can turn into a werewolf (but honestly just looked like a big dog).

A guy who acts as a human cannonball

A guy who is literally just a worse version of the human torch

And Magik played by Anya Taylor Joy whose power is whatever the hell it is the plot requires and is somehow an unstoppable killing machine, and whiny little teen that is thrown into time-out by the only adult in the movie without her even using her powers.