Sarcastic Movie Review: New Mutants

All of them are here because they couldn’t control their powers and are now under the supervision of Doctor Lady, and her mutant powers of Barriers.

And can I point out, She is the only staff at this hospital. The only adult in the whole freaking movie if you cross out the generic dead parents. She’s supposed to be working for this mysterious benefactor, and I can’t help but wonder if that dude can’t hire at least a few more hands to help the good doctor when she has to deal with 5 angsty walking weapons of war.

I mean at least give her a couple of Interns

From here it plays out more like a teen coming of age movie. They all first hate each other, then they open up and suddenly become the best of friends after some of the worst montaging I’ve ever seen. A bunch of creepy stuff keeps happening around the hospital and then surprise! it turns out that the only adults is the real villain after all.

It turns out the Doctor lady is working for the evil Essex co-operation and we’re supposed feel sympathy for our heroes just based on that. But the problem is, she makes a lot of sense. Each of them are literal walking time bombs all of whom have killed people using their powers, which most can’t even control.

The tone is all over the place and we’re supposed to feel sympathy for the characters not based on the overall story, but what’s happening from scene to scene.

So all the creepy stuff that kept happening was because of Dani’s powers, which turns out manifests people’s worst fears and turns them into reality. And because of how uncontrollable she is the Doctor decides to put her down.

Now I’m not saying killing the girl is the solution here, but she has a point. The tornado that killed Dani’s parents and entire clan turns out to be a giant smoke bear she formed with her powers by accident. So maybe putting her in coma or keeping her locked up isn’t the worst idea.

But know the rag tag group of mutants decide to ‘Fight the power’ until the doctor lady knocks Dani out, which in turn resummons the giant smoky bear that kills the Doctors and goes after Dani next.

Not to be confused with this Smokey the bear

This made no sense to me as well, I thought the bear was protecting the girl, why is it trying to kill it’ master that would in turn kill it as well.

In any case they all fight the bear, Dani wakes up. Says the bear ain’t that scary anymore. Bear goes from black to white and just dies (there’s that story about wolves popping up again) and all the mutant rugrats escape the hospital together.

The End. What a load of bollocks.

I think the main problem I have with this movie is on how disappointing it is. The premise was interesting, the superhero genre mixed with an abandoned asylum type horror movie made for an interesting concept. And the acting talent in it is amazing. The wolf girl is played by Maisie Williams from Game of thrones, who must have a voodoo curse placed on her stating that she can only play wolf related roles.

Even the CGI feels very big budget, but despite all this it just doesn’t come together with its rushed editing and a by the numbers story. Somehow the end product felt both boringly stretched out and unbelievably short at the same time.

Like I said it’s not the worst movie ever made, It’s just kinda dull and no one is going to shed tears on the end of Fox’s take on the X-men based on this. A weak 5 out of 10 and that’s being generous. So this is how the decade long X-men legacy ends. Not with a loud epic bang or a whimpering fizzle but an uninteresting pop.

Also consider these books for some Gods whose powers rival any mutant out there in the New world odyssey series