Sarcastic Movie Review: Eternals

Phastos: Inventor archetype, and create mechanical constructs with his powers

Makkari: Speedster archetype (basically the Flash) but is also mute.

See that’s ten characters that we are immediately asked to care about, and a few of them get much less screen time than the others as a result of it. To the point I forgot Makkari existed half way through the movie.

Super speed and 7000 years and she didn’t clean her room once

In any case they manage to kill all the deviants around the time Christopher Columbus “discovered” America. And Ajak splits up the team so that they can go and live their lives and find their own purpose here until they’re called back home to the planet of Olympia.

Cut to present day were in the mean streets of London were Sersi and Sprite are attacked by a deviant (it looks like they missed a few) and the story truly begins.

If you’re unsure about watching this movie, I’d say go for it, especially at cinemas if you can. The stunning visuals and epic scale of the whole thing definitely makes this a big screen watch.

There be spoilers ahead.

It really feels like watching two movies spliced into one here. One following the story of the deviants and one following the true purpose of the eternals on earth. And while they do intertwine at points, it’s not enough to convince me that this would have better as two separate movies.

But let’s not recount the entire movie’s plot and move to the important questions:

Is it a compelling story?

I’d say yes, despite its many pacing issues and other short comings the core messages were all solid and it does come across in the end. It just feels like they crammed a lot of it in, instead of letting each character and storyline breath.

Would this have been better as multiple movies or a series?

Most definitely. Now that we have such well put together shows like Loki that has proved that a series can be just as captivating and just as important a part of the MCU as the movies, it’s even more disappointing that the eternals wasn’t made into a six episode series for Disney plus. Especially since it had so many characters.

Did Ikaris and Sersi have any chemistry whatsoever?

No

Just No

Who is the best eternal?

For me Gilgamesh was easily my favorite, I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because everyone else felt a bit too mopey at times. Maybe its cause when he threw a punch you could feel it. Also he had that sense of selflessness which I think is important for heroes, that certain others seemed lacking.

Also Kingo was fun with his finger pistols. pew pew!

What was the biggest flaw with the eternals?

For a bunch of 7000 year old demigods they do act a lot like mopey teenagers, it just seems odd to me that these immortal beings would have had more than enough time to learn to process their emotions a bit better still seemed to be filled with so much angst.  

Are the Eternals just Marvel’s Justice League?

Okay so this comparison was so obvious that they added a reference of superman into the movie. Ikaris is a less powerful superman. Thena is a more magical wonder women and Makkari is a gender swapped flash. But I think that’s where the comparison ends. The others did have unique enough powers to make them stand out.

Also they don’t have a powerless human dressed in black (not yet I mean *cough black knight*)

What about the deviant storyline?

So the Deviant’s turned out to be quiet sympathetic towards the end. Basically creatures created by a god who got angry at them for evolving beyond their purpose. And the deviants could have been the climactic point if the movie was split into two. But as it is their story seemed sidelined and overshadowed by the many Celestial plot, with Thena’s final battle with the head deviant almost seeming like an obligation that they needed to fulfill.

What about the celestial plot?

RASENGAN!!!

It’s revealed the real reason the eternals were send here was to make the human population grow to a point where a Celestial could be born from the earth.

So the earth is basically just a giant egg, and when it hatches it would wipe out humanity. The moral quandary seems to a greater good of the universe verses the good of humanity kind of deal. And of course humanity win’s out.

On scaling it as a ‘bigger deal’ than Thanos this seems solid enough, but felt less impactful because the world ending event and resolution all came within the span of one movie. While Thanos was build up over years and multiple movies, really hammering in the gravitas of the situation.

What’s the deal with the end credits?

Okay, so the introduction of Starfox was hilarious at least for me. But more because of the casting of Harry styles. As a superhero with pheromone based powers that make people attracted to him, who better to cast for the role than “Mr. Watermelon sugar High” himself.

Plot wise I preferred the second one, which involves Kit Harrington about to pick up the mantle of the Black knight. Who is a more mystical character than a cosmic one and I am genuinely more excited at the more mystic side of the MCU at this point, cause we have already had plenty of extra-terrestrial stories.

Conclusion

Eternals is definitely an enjoyable film, even though it does not feel too much like a Marvel movie. While definitely not among the strongest movies in the MCU, it is still a captivating watch. And while the introduction of so many characters together was a detriment to this movie hopefully we will get a pay-off for them in the movies to come. Themes were good and compelling, even though they seemed a bit heavy handed at times and way too philosophical for what is at its core a bunch of people in tights punching monsters.

But the real conclusion is, this should have been a damn series.

For Icarus instead of Ikaris, Athena instead of Thena and an actual Sprite instead of an immortal child called Sprite Check out the NEW WORLD ODYSSEY series.